The universe is governed and kept in balance by many things, Gods, Cthulu, cheese and mullets. These are mighty things that hold sway over our pitiful existence, they can snuff us out within an instant. We are merely sex toys to them and we have little or no power. Or so we thought. A key player in times past gifted mankind with three weapons to use in our defence when trouble arises. These we share with you now.

The following are excerpts from the Encyclopedia of the Universe. 

BAGSY

A bagsy is a weapon that can be used to secure the services of something, someone, to make something true or to make someone or something perform an action. The easiest way to explain is to give an example: its a friday evening in Ryans pub, a group of comrades, rogues and absolutely no pipe to pipe bushmen are gathered round a table. Around said table are clustered stools and on one side a sofa type seat. The people on the sofa have whats know as preferential seating. They have the comfiest seats. One gets up to go to drain his lizard, upon getting up he says "Bagsy". All present now know the seat is bagsied and is the bagsiers when he returns. The seat can be used until then by other people. If a bagsy is broken then there are two options. The breaker has either the death penalty or a forfeit chosen by the group in the vicinity. If the breaker fails to comply they are then banned from bagsys for a certain period. If it is felt that a bagsy is unfair or harsh then it can be overruled by the nearby team. Bagsys cannot be used to bagsy ownership, so "Bagsy all your money" is not allowed.

FACT

FACT is used to make a statement true. It is simply used after a statement is said or written. For example "Phil loves Jenny FACT" or "Beast loves Kate FACT" or "Chop fancies stoats FACT". Thus all those statements are then irrefutably true. There are occasions such as, "Bagsy I don't" or "I don't FACT". When this happens the nearest ginger beard is used as an arbitrator. A FACT also has to be written in red and in capitals.

SIMON